Thursday, August 21, 2008

The Fake!

To make things even more interesting let’s add a casting call to today’s Lyrically Challenged terror tale too, shall we? I’m gonna have to beat Fred to the punch with this one and pick Anne Francis as Agnes Carew, and how about Basil Rathbone as Robbie the… uh… I mean, as Robert.

From the March 1954 issue of Menace #10

"...unwitting chaperons,
How come you cannot see
A Hitler wearing heels
A soft Simon Legree
A Hun with honey skin
De Sade who makes good tea
Dont leave me here to be
Dont leave me here to be
Dont leave me alone with her..."
Don't Leave Me Alone With Her - Sparks


Emby Quinn said...

With your cherry lips and golden curls
You could make grown men gasp when you go walking past
And in your hot pants and high heels
They could not believe that such a body was for real
It seemed like rainbows would appear
Whenever you came near the clouds would disappear
Because you looked just like a girl
Your baby blues would flash and suddenly a spell was cast

You hold a candle in your heart
You shine the light on hidden parts
You make the whole world wanna dance
You bought yourself a second chance

Go baby go go
We're right behind you
Go baby go go
Yeah, we're looking at you
Go baby go go
Oh ,we're right behind you
Go baby go baby
Yeah, we're right behind you

--Garbage, "Cherry Lips"

Emby Quinn said...

Wow, first comment, even!

Forgot the casting call, though...hmm, let's have a young Barbara Stanwyck as Agnes and...ah, yes! a latter-years Vincent Price as Robert.

Patrick said...

Oh man, the lyrics for this one are just blatantly obvious, but wow- they are also spot on. Maybe Dennis DeYoung from Styx read this story when he wrote Mr. Roboto...

"I've got a secret I've been hiding under my skin
My heart is human, my blood is boiling, my brain I.B.M.
So if you see me acting strangely, don't be surprised
I'm just a man who needed someone, and somewhere to hide
To keep me alive-just keep me alive
Somewhere to hide to keep me alive"

As for the casting call, I would like to see the cast of the Hammer classic "Dracula has Risen from the Grave" in the roles... Christopher Lee as Robert, and Veronica Carlson as Agnes... that would require some makeup work to make her into the ugly old hag...

Unknown said...

And here I thought he was an alien about to eat her. I just love surprises.

So you finally got what you wanted
You've achieved your aim by making the walking lame
And when you just can't get any higher
You use your senses to suss out this week's climber
And the small fame that you've acquired
Has brought you into cult status
But to me you're still a collector

There's tarts and whores but you're much more
You're a different kind because you want their minds
And you just don't care 'cause you've got no brain
It's just that face on your pillowcase that thrills you

And you've started looking much older
And your fashion sense is second rate like your perfume
But to you in your own little dream world
You're still the queen of the butterfly collectors

You carry on 'cause it's all you know
You can't light a fire, you can't cook or sew
You get from day to day by filling your head
But you surely must know the thrill between your legs has worn off

And I don't care about morals
Because the world's insane and we're all to blame anyway
And I don't feel any sorrow
Towards the kings and queens of the butterfly collectors

Mr. Cavin said...

Ah, the subtle complexity of our societal prejudices. When, oh when are we going to give the poor, nerdy scientists a break? It’s funny because its true!

i been seeing you for months coming to this place
now what i wanna know is, honey when can i see your face?
i know you been hiding something secret in your past
whooo baby, i just gotta know what's behind the mask

please, baby, please please give me one quick glance
now how come i can't see your face when i see what's in your pants?
is it a skin condition? or an extra eye? surgical incision? i keep wonderin' why

uhhh... you ain't wearin' silver bullets or carving z's in chests
it's been months since Halloween honey, i can't guess
now just relax and let me lift up this edge and let me take a peek
ooh, let me have a look in here... eeeeeeeek!

well, curiosity killed this cat sorry i ever asked
what i don't know can't hurt me as much as what's behind the mask
what's behind the mask, girl what's behind the mask
what's behind that mask, girl sorry i ever asked.

The Cramps, What's Behind the Mask

Okay, as for the casting we can have Ricardo Montalbán as Robert, and Shawn Wayans as the fake white chick as well as the eraser-colored hag. Cameo appearances by Clive Owen and Jude Law--and whoever else is a manly aging A-lister--to shun the girl in the bar. Screw it. I’d never go see that movie.

AndyDecker said...

As long as it is a rich robot, this is a marriage made in heaven :-)

Tim Tylor said...

I'm a sucker for a happy ending, so I can't help imagining an extra last panel with Agnes thinking "Why, that's... kinda cute."

I'm useless on the casting game, but for lyrics I'll give you Al Dubin's cheery (and IMHO chilly) pep-talk from Roman Scandals

What's cute about a little cutie
It's her beauty, not brain.
Old Father Time will never harm you
If your charm still remains;
After you grow old, baby,
You don't have to be a cold baby:

Keep young and beautiful,
It's your duty to be beautiful;
Keep young and beautiful
If you want to be loved.
Don't fail to do your stuff
With a little powder and a puff,
Keep young and beautiful
If you want to be loved.

I suspect that one's more suicide-inducing than a month of Gloomy Sundays. >:P

Chuck Wells said...

My casting picks for this "love story" both hail from The Sound of Music, Eleanor Parker as Agnes and Richard Haydn as Robert.

Lyrics from Chameleon by Creedence Clearwater Revival:

Keep on changin' your face like a chameleon
Keep on changin' your face like a chameleon
Keep on changin' your face like a chameleon
Keep on changin' your face like a chameleon

Anonymous said...

Veronica Lake as Agnes. Basil Rathbone as the Robot.

silvano said...

Great artwork , the splash page's a real killer !
Soundtrack courtesy of ANTHRAX's
"imitation of life"
Thanks for sharing !

The Vicar of VHS said...

I love the hell out of this one--that art on the "true Agnes" is just spectacular, and even the robot design brings a smile to my mug. I also love Agnes's piqued look at the bottom of p2--though I don't at all buy that the warnings of their wing-men would convince most guys to give Agnes a pass; they always think, "Yeah, but with ME, it'll be different!"

I love the narrative commentary here too--"You were right about these BRILLIANT SCIENTISTS, Agnes! THEY DON'T KNOW FROM NOTHING!" Yet another example of the rampant anti-intellectualism that has always plagued this country. The fact that the scientist turns out to be a robot is part of that commentary--they aren't human, those egg-heads!

Finally, I love how as soon as she's said I do, Agnes drops all pretense. "OH SHUT UP!" Very true to life, one can't help but observe. ;)

As for casting, the narrator does it for us by calling the tale, seemingly nonsensically, a "DILLER-CHILLER!" Obviously Phyllis Diller sans wig as the "true" Agnes, and Lana Turner as the fake one. I think Ian McKellen could pull off the role of Roboto--esp. given that hand gesture on the middle-left of p.5. And as the scorned hunks, the grown-up male cast of Saved By the Bell.

For lyrics, since this is really a touching love story about how a robot sees beauty in every living thing, I'm going with these uncharacteristically serious lyrics from the Weird Al of Country Music, Ray Stevens:

Everything is beautiful in its own way
Like a starry summer night
Or a snow-covered winter's day
And everybody's beautiful, in their own way
Under God's Heaven
The world's gonna find a way

For every hour that passes by
You know the world gets a little bit older
It's time to realize that beauty lies
In the eyes of the beholder

We shouldn't care 'bout the length of his hair
Or the color of his skin
Don't worry about what shows from without
But the love that lives within

We're gonna get it all together, now
Everything gonna work out fine
Just take a little time to look on the good side, my friend
And straighten it out in your mind

"Don't worry if she's a wrinkled hag
And his muscles are made of metal
When you get to the end of the line, my dear
It's best if you just learn to settle...

Everything is BEEE-YOOO-TIFUUUULLLL...."


The Vicar of VHS said...

Oh, and I don't own the Fay Wray book, but allow me to be the first to say:


(Whatever happened to Fay Wray, anyway? ;) )

Anonymous said...



Unknown said...

Fay Wray died August 8, 2004.

The Vicar of VHS said...

>>Fay Wray died August 8, 2004.

Wow. Way to nip a jocular Rocky Horror reference in the bud. ;)

Emby Quinn said...

>>Wow. Way to nip a jocular Rocky Horror reference in the bud. ;)

Hey, Vic, *I* got it. :B

And I was all set to reply "She got f*cked by a 40-foot ape", too.

Anonymous said...

Step right up and don't be shy,
because you will not believe your eyes.
She's right here behind the glass,
and you're gonna like her,
'cause she's got class.

You can look inside another world.
You get to talk to a pretty girl.
She's everything you dream about...
but don't fall in love...

She's a beauty ---
one in a million girl,
she's a beauty.
Why would I lie?
Why would I lie?

You can say anything you like,
but you can't touch the merchandise.
She'll give you every pennies worth,
but it will cost you a dollar first.

You can step outside your little world.
You can talk to a pretty girl.
She's everything you dream about...
but don't fall in love...

She's a beauty ---
one in a million girl,
she's a beauty.
Why would I lie?
Why would I lie?

"She's a Beauty" by The Tubes

Propagatrix said...

I'm a girl, and by me that's only great!
I am proud that my silhouette is curvy,
That I walk with a sweet and girlish gait
With my hips kind of swivelly and swervy.

I adore being dressed in something frilly
When my date comes to get me at my place.
Out I go with my Joe or John or Billy,
Like a filly who is ready for the race!

When I have a brand new hairdo
With my eyelashes all in curl,
I float as the clouds on air do,
I enjoy being a girl!

When men say I'm cute and funny
And my teeth aren't teeth, but pearl,
I just lap it up like honey
I enjoy being a girl!

I flip when a fellow sends me flowers,
I drool over dresses made of lace,
I talk on the telephone for hours
With a pound and a half of cream upon my face!

I'm strictly a female female
And my future I hope will be
In the home of a brave and free male
Who'll enjoy being a guy having a girl... like... me.

When men say I'm sweet as candy
As around in a dance we whirl,
It goes to my head like brandy,
I enjoy being a girl!

When someone with eyes that smoulder
Says he loves ev'ry silken curl
That falls on my iv'ry shoulder,
I enjoy being a girl!

When I hear the compliment'ry whistle
That greets my bikini by the sea,
I turn and I glower and I bristle,
But I happy to know the whistle's meant for me!

I'm strictly a female female
And my future I hope will be
In the home of a brave and free male
Who'll enjoy being a guy having a girl... like... me.

Mr. Karswell said...

You guys are blowing me away today. Let's remember too if submitting lyrics to include the artist and songtitle, makes it easier for all of us.

I truly appreciate all the return participants as well as all the new faces this time around. Even you people not playing are awesome. One more day to go, winners announced on Saturday mourning.

Tomorrow: Basil F#%king Wolverton.

Unknown said...

Wow. Way to nip a jocular Rocky Horror reference in the bud. ;)

Sorry about that. You're talking to the guy who thought Tim Curry and Tim Allen were the same person until several years ago.

"Butterfly Collector" is by The Jam and later Garbage.

Anonymous said...

Wow! Nicely off kilter story -- wasn't expecting that twist at the end.

Agnes -- Jaye Davidson
Professor -- Basil Rathbone (gotta go with the mojo)
Robot -- Tobor the Great

Kitty LeClaw said...

"Well, it's worse than war
It's worse than death
There ain't too many left who ain't been
Eaten by the monster of love

Buy a dog and that might help
Sometimes, though, a dog gets grabbed and
Eaten by the monster of love?

"Eaten By The Monster Of Love"